SMS Jokes

Ennathan karunanithi DMK la irundhalum avar veetu maadu "AMMA" nu than kathum

Vaazha maram thaar podum! Aana adha vachi road poda mudiyuma??

Ennadhan aeroplane mela parandhaalum Petrol poda keelathaan varanum

Hand wash'nna kai kazhuvaradhu, 'Face wash'nna mugam kazhuvaradhu, Appa 'brain wash' nna,, braina kazhuvaradhaa

Tea cupla tea irukum.Appa world cupla world irukkuma??

Cell moolama sms anuppalaam Aana sms moolama cella anuppa mudiyathu

Adyar Anandhabavan branch Chennai fulla irukkum aanna Adyar Alamarathoda branch adyar-la mattum than irukkum.. ithu than ulagam

Daily Calendar-Le Theydhi Kizhikkardhu Mukkiyam Illai – Andha Theydhi-Le Nee Enna Kizhikkarey-Ngardhu Than Mukkiyam !!

Paambu Ethanai Thadavai Padam Eduthalum Athaala Oru Thadavai Kooda Theatre-La Release Panna Mudiyathu...

Ration Card A Vatchu Sim Card Vangalam Ana Sim Card A Vatchu Ration Card Vanga Mudiyathu

Nenga Enna Than Thene Potu Koli Valathalum Athu Muta Than Podum 100/100 Ellam Podathu

Kanna Bus Stop La Bus Than Vanthu Nikum Ana Full Stop La Full Vanthu Nikuma

Paaku Marathula Paaku Irukum, Theaku Marathula Thaeku Irukum, Aana Pana Marathula Panam Irukaadhu..!!

Cycle La Poana Cycling, Train La Poana Training-A?

Mechanical Engineer Mechanic Aagalam Aana Software Engineer Software Aaga Mudiyadhu..

Kosu Kadicha Tortoise Aethivakkalam Aana Tortoise Kadicha Kosu Aethivakka Mudiyumaaaaaaaaaa!

Key Boardla Key Irrukkum Anna Mother Boardla Mother Irrukkuma

Nee Evalo Periya Padipalliya Irundhalum Exam Hall La Poi Padikka Mudiyadhu.

School Testla Bit Adikkalaam......... College Testla Bit Adikkalaam....... Aannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Blood Testla Bit Adikka Mudiyaadhu..

Enna Than Naai Nandri Ullatha Than Irunthalum Athala Thank You Solla Mudeyathu!!!!!!!! Idhuthan Valkai

Lunch Bagla Lunch Kondu Poha Mudiyum... But School Bagla Shoola Kondu Pohamudiyumaaaa
Aayiram Than Irundhalum Aayirathi Onnu Than Perusu

Yennathan Ahimsavathiya Irundhalum Chappathiya Suttu Than Sappida Mudiyum..

Ni Enna Than Veerana Irundhalum, Kulir Adicha Thirumba Adikka Mudiyathu..

Kovil Maniya Namma Adicha Saththam Varum... Aana Kovil Mani Nammala Adicha Raththam Than Varum

Meluga Vachchu Melugu Vathi Seyyalam... Aana Kosuva Vachi Kosu Vathi Seyya Mudiyathu..

Pallu Valina Palla Pudungalam Aana Kannu Valina Kanna Pudunga Mudiyuma

Idly Podiya Thotu Idly Saapidalaam Aana Mooku Podiya Thotu Mooka Saapida Mudiyathu

Kadamaiya sei Palanai ethir paakkathe! ithu Geethaiyil sonnathu Kaathal sei kalyanam seiyathe Ithu Boathaiyil sonathu.

Kalakkura mathiri one sollava?

Nee, Nilavai parthal kadavulin alagu puriyum...Suriyanai Parthal kadavulin Sakthi puriyum...Nee kannadiyai paarthal kadavulin Thappu puriyum.

Povukul theyn, Nellukul Arishi, Mannukul Vairam, "Un manasa Thottu sollu? Un Mandaikul kaliman thaney!!!!

Bakery shop: Paarthiban; Unga kadaila ella bannum kidaikkuma? vadivel: Amaa...Paarthiban: ok 1kg ribbon 1kg carbon kodu...

Professor: Ulagam oru nadaga madai athil namellam nadikargal. Student: sie enakku yaara jodiya posuveega sir....

Sardar 1: I spoke to Sania Mirza yesterday on the phone . Sardar 2 : thats great. What did she say? Sardar 1: Wrong number.

Think different do different.. Make different... Achieve different... Spead different...Then only you can goto Metal Hospital.....

Picha edupathu Eppadi????........................picha

eduka ivlo aasaiya! sollave illa..

Namitha-ku 5 vaisu irukupothu avanga parents epadi koopitirupanga? ....................................................................................................Romba mukkiyam. poi velaya parunga.

Vadivel: Yennappa idly chillunu irukku? Parthiban: Boardla yenna pottu irukku.. vadivel: Ariya Bhawan Parthiban: Appurum enna suudava erukkum! Koyyla

Latest thirukural 'Beedi" yal sutta pun Ullaarum Aarathae 'Brandy' Yaal Vendha vayiru" send this sms to 10 'kudimagan' you will get a "Quater" Free...

Stu 1: enda unnai peincipal thittinar stu 2: Principal avaroda naya kaanavillai nu paperla add kodukka sonnar. Naan "principal naya" kanumnu add koduthutten.

Kambi1 kambi2 kambi3 kambi4 kambi5 kambi6 kambi7 kambi8 kambi9 Ha ha ha ha........... Eppadi Unna plan panni kambi enna Vachen Pathiya.

Sardar: "This book is very bore. More characters but no story" Librarian: " Vaadaa... Vaa.. Neethan Telephone directorya thoookitu ponavana? ...

Oru Vidukathai sollattumaa.... "Thagara pettikkul mogini pisasukal" AdhuYenna....? Theriyalayaa..? Adhu LADIES college bus....

Pricipal: Eanda late?; Student: Bike puncture/repair sir; Principal: Busla varrathu thane?; Student: Bus vaanga kaasu illa sir

Sar: Excuesme, vaigai exp poiducha? T.T.E:; No. Sar: Pandian? T.T.E: No. Sar::Nellai? T.T.E: No, sir..Neeng yeng poganum? Sar:: "Intha Thandavalatha thaandi poganum.........

Sardar: 50 rupees iruntha kadana kodunga...! Man: Panam suthama illeenga.! Sardar: Paravayilla, Alukka irunthalum kodunga..!..

Girl: Darling Nenga Enditta Eathai Parthu Love Pannuneenga..? Boy: Darling Innum Eathaiyum Parkkala..! Parkkalamnu Thaan Love Pandren chellam..!

Lights went off in girls hostel the watchman galled up TNEB office and says " Send your men immediately because the Girls are using candles.....

Naan yen unnai Ninaikiren? Un kuda Pesuren? Unakku msg Pannuren? Athai yen nee padikkirai BECAuse " Namma rendu perukkume vera vela illa....

Figure illanna college waste sugar illanna coffe waste. Love illanna life waste. Moon illana sky waste. Chellam Nee illana ....Zoo waste!....

Dog likes BONE. Elephant likes BANANA . Ant likes Sugar. Cow likes Grass. And monkey likes what...? ............................Solluppa unaku enna pidikum......

Gathered in a large hall, an angel asked us to write down our sins before entering the heaven. Before I could start wrting I heard you shouting "Addtional Sheets Please!!!"

Manasu sariuyillenu doctor kitta ponen, Test panittu oru loosudu sms annupu sariyagidumnu sonnar. Neeye sollu da enakku unna vitta yara therium?..

Manasu sariuyillenu doctor kitta ponen, Test panittu oru loosudu sms annupu sariyagidumnu sonnar. Neeye sollu da enakku unna vitta yara therium?..

Oru kaakitham 2 mins erinju chaambal ayirum, 1 kattai 10 mins erinju chaambal ayirum, 1 maram 2 hrs erinju chaambal ayirum, aana..................aaaaaaanaaaaa...... i bulb evalavu neram erinjaalum chaambal akirathu illai... how is it... ippadithaan.. puthusu puthusaa yosikkanum.

Oru paiyan road-la pOkumpOthu, thummikkittae pOnaan.... Yeannu kEattaaa avan cholraan, avan oru PODI paiyanaam..... ayyoooo... ayyooooo....

Lifela 6 visayam eppa varumnu namkey theriyathui 1. Inbam 2. Thunbam 3. Natpu 4 Kaadhal 5. Maranam. 6. Ennodasms

Friend: Naan ethu chenchaalum ennodo wife kurukka nikkiraa... Friend2: Car Otty paaren...

Salesman: Sir erumbbu powder vaankikkittu ponga.... Sardar: vEndaam, innaikku erumbbukku powder vaangittu pOnaa.. athu nazhaikku lips-stick kEtkkum...

Oruvar: Enunga.. oru kaalla blue color socksum matrtra kaalla brown color saaksum pOttu irukeenga.. yEn? Matravar: athuthaan yenakkum puriyala.. veetlayum ithE mathiri oru Jodi irukku!

Vaathiyaar: amerikkaava kandu pudichathu yaaru? Maanavan: muthalla amerikkaava oLichichi vachathu yaarunnu chollunga!

thanka cheina urikkinaa thangam varum... veLLi cheyinna urukkunaa VeLLi varum... appa... cycle chainna urukkinaa cycle varumaaaa?

Manthiri: ArasE, pakkaththu naattu mannan namakku pOr thoduththu varuvathaaka SMS anupiyirukkirAn. Arasar: 'Message sending failed'nu nee thiruppi oru SMS koduththudu, SMS anupalannu avan kuzhampipPokattum...

One day one boy and girl late to school. Teacher Asked Girl why were late, Girl: Sir i have lost my 1 rupee coin on the way while i am coming to school, i had searched for that for that i got late. Teacher asked boy why were u late, Boy says i am i am standing on that coin to hide.

TEA STRONG AA IRUKA YENA PANANUM? ORU SPOON "CEMENT" PODANUM.

Man 1: Oru nimishathula 130 name solla mudiyuma? Man 2: Mudiyadhu, niye sollu... Man 1: 100mohmed, 9thara, 6mugam, 7malai, 5ali, and 3sha. kooti PARU KANAKU SARIA VARUM

Hai! E Sollu!! E e e Sollu!! E e e e e e Sollu!! Nalla e e e e Sollu!! (Leave some spacing) ilichadhu podhum po poi palla velakkuga... Good MoRnInG...Have a nice day...

Love Marriage ikkum, Arrange marriage ikkum enna difference?? naamala kenuthula viluntha athu love marriage... 10 per thalli vitta athu arranged marriage..

Idi.. Minnal.. Mazhai.. puyal.. Vellam.. Poogambam.. ethu nadanthalum east.. west.. north.. south..enga irunthaalum, entha sim pottirunthaalum ennoda sms suma gilli...gilli....gilli maathiri vanthu GOOD Morning sollum..Hava a nice Day...

"Muruganukku" Mottai podu, "Perumalukku" Naamam Podu, "Jesus"ku siluvai podu. My chellam, nee daily "jatti"podu, Marakkama "thovachi podu"

Vadivelu: Hello, enna ithu? 601 ruba kadan vaangitu 106 ruba thareenga? Parthiban: Ithuthan kasana THIRUPPI tharadhu......

Thooka marundhu sappitta thookam varum... Anaa...Irumal marundhu sappitta irumal varathu! (Enna kodumai saaar idhu)

Engineering Collegela padichu Engineer aagalaam, Presidency collegela padichu president aaga mudiyumaa?!

U cant imagin ppl do.IN TEMPLE ONE PERSON - in middle of the arthi he lit a ciggratte,i really shocked i dropd the beer*

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? usband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..!!

Son: Mummy, Night Bathroom Door Open Panna,Thanaa Light Eriyudhu. Mother: vaada.... Saniyane, Fridge'la urine Ponadhu Neethana?..

If your don't like dirty msg, don't read this........... A white dog fell into the mud... became so dirty!!! ha ha....

Thathuvam Sms

Kasu Irundha Call Taxi!!! Kasu Illaina Kall Than Taxi!!!

Pant Pottu Muttipoda Mudiyum Aanaaa Muttipottu Pant Poda Mudiyumaa..

viyarvai Thuligal, uppaaga Irukkalaam;;;;;;Aanaal, Avaithanvaaazhkkaiyai Inippaaga Maattrum.

Kangalai vida kanneerukku Adhaga mathipundu....! Kangal UlaKaitthai kaattum Aanal kaneer Ullathai Kattum.

Kathal enbuthu nvaanavill poa oru murai vandhuvandhu vittu maraiandhu vidum aanal natpu enbathu vaanathai pola endrum maraiyaathu nam natpai pola ......

Nee Nesikkum Palar.... Unnai Marakka Ninaithalum Unai Nesikkum Silarai... Nee Ninaikka marakadya

En Idhayam Endra Thandavaalathi Rail Pola Odukirathu Un Ninaivugal.

Unnai yaralum thorkadika mudiyathu, Unn Nambikaiyil thorkum varai.

Feeling Tense? Think me, Feeling sad? call me, Feeling lonely? See me, Feeling Sleeply? Dream of me My name is SELF CONFIDANCE.

Ninaithadhu yellam Nadandhu Vittaal? Life is waste. Ninaikkadadhu Nadandhal? Life is Taste. so, life is secret.

manasuku pidichavanga munadi Aluvadhum kastam. Manasuku pidikadhavanga munadi sirikiradhum kastam.

Girls oru single paper maathiri..but life enbadhu dictionary maathiri.... single paper ku wait panni dictionarya miss pannathinga...

"Natpu" enbathu karumbalagai alla alithu alithu eluthuvatharku.. athu " kalvettu" oru murai eluthinal alikka mudiyathu. that is friendship.

Aasai paduvathai marandu vidu... Aanal aasai pattathai maranthu vidathe....

Tholvi unnai thurathukirathu endral....vetri-i nee nerungugirai endru artham.

silence is the best way to avoid may problems.... Smile is the powerful tool to solve many problems... So have a silent smile always.

Natpu enbadhu idhayam-pola namaku theriyamal namakaga thudikum...

Viyarvai. Thuligal, Uppaga irukkalaam... Aanaal, Avaithaan Vaalkaiyai inippaaga Maattrum....

"Vetri enbathu naam petrukolvathu" " Tholvi enbathu naam kaatrukolvathu" muthalil katrukollungal piragu petrukollungal"

School life: +2 varai, College life: Padikkumvarai, Love life: Kalyanam varai, "But" Namma friendship: February 30 varum varai.......

Vetri per vendum endru ninaithu poradathey......Tholvi adaya koodathu endru poradu, Ulagam un kaiyil...

Anbu Kaati thotthavanum illai..... kovappattu jaithaanum illai.....so love others... smile always.....Don't hurt others heart.

Kannil Kanda pennai nesippathai vida, Unai karuvil donda thayai nesi. Unnaium oru pen neasippal.

Oru penai unnidam athigamaga pesa anumathikathey Pin aval unai athigamaga pesa vaithi viduval " thaniyaga" .

"Unnai thiyagam seivathanaal mattumay pirarin idhayangalai Nee Vella mudiyum"

Arali vithaiyum Alugirathu Ippothu, " Thannaal" Irapavargalai vida " Pennaal" irapavargale Athigam endru.....!!!!

Vittu Kodungal, viruppangal Niraiverum.. Thatti kodungal, Thavarugal kuraiyum...sms kokungal...santhosam perugum....!!!

My dear friend Un peyaraikuda, naan eudhuvadillai, "penamul" unnai kuthidimo endru...! dai...no...no.. Ala koodathu....control Ur-self....

Luck means who get the opportunity; Brilliace means who creat the opportunity

Think all you speak, but never speak all you think

There is no Oil if Olives are not squeezed... No Wine, if Grapes are not pressed.... No Perfume, if flowers are not crushed... If yhou feel any pressure... Don't worry... be assured it will bring out the best in YOU

The tree does not withdraw its shade from the Woodcutter, so don't hate your enemies

Life is like cotton, don't make it heavier by sinking it in water of sorrow

Puvil vasanai erukkum. Natpil unmai erukkum. Kathalil nejam erukkum. Valvil enimai erukkum. But ungal mobile fulla en sweet sms eppothum erukkum.

Little keys can open big locks. Simple words can express great thoughts. My tiny SMS can make your day Great!

Paasamulla nenjangal palicaanga nenaipathillai...Nesamulla nenjangal nesikka marappathilai... Priyamullanenjangal pirivai thaanguvathilai..

Marakka vendum endru than ninaipen avalai parkum varai. Aanal athai kuda marannthu vidukiren avalai Parkum pothu....

Marakka vendum endru than ninaipen avalai parkum varai. Aanal athai kuda marannthu vidukiren avalai parkum pothu....

Mashayil Nanaya unaku Aaasai thaan, Irundhum naan kudai Pidipen. yaen endraal? Un Thalayil ulla kaliman karayamal irukka.

Kavidhai Enbadhu Pesum oviyam... Unnai pola...! Pesadha kavidhai...! Nam Natpai Pola...

Kannil oru minnal, mugathil oru sirippu, sirippil oru paasam, Paasathil oru nesam, nesathil oru ithayam, antha ithayathil en iniya friend nee.

Amaithiyana Iravu Amsamana Nilavu Arparikkum Natchathirangal Asaravaikkum fan kattril asanthu thongum aruyir Friendukku en Adakkamana Iravu Vanakkam...

Sindhikka therinthavanukku aalosanai thevai illai. Thunbangalai santhikka therinthavanukku vaalvil tholviye illai....

Maalaiel maranam enru derindum koda kaalaiel kaneer vadipadilai pookal. So enjoy the every moment of time..

silence is the best way to avoid may problems.... Smile is the powerful tool to solve many problems... So have a silent smile always.

Lifela 6 visayam eppa varumnu namkey theriyathui 1. Inbam 2. Thunbam 3. Natpu 4 Kaadhal 5. Maranam. 6. Ennodasms.

God: Baktha, enna varam Vendum kel.

"Every morning get up and look through the FORBES list of richest people in the world.. If your name is not present... then PLEASE GO TO WORK immediately"

The duck looks so calm on the water but underneath there is restless peddling!

Plus symbel is made up of two minus symbels in different angles

Marakka maranthaalum, ninaikka marakkaaathE

Than-neeraik kooda challadaiyil aLLalaam, athai panikkatti yaakkum thiRan unnitamirunthaal

Every action has a cost involved, Every SMS of mine has a motivation involved

Kanavugal pookum neram... Kavalaigal marakum neram... Idhayathai pootti Vaikamal... Imaigalai Mattum pootti Vaipom;;; Vidiyum varai.....

Kadavul manithanukku chonnathu \"Geethai\"; Manithan Kadavulukku chonnathu \'Thiruvasagam\'; Manithan manithanukku chonnathu \"Thirukkural\"; HosurOnline.Com ungalukku cholvathu Vanakkam

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

While there is a sunset in one part of the world, there is a sunrise on the other part. Never give up, what may appear to be end may be the beginning of other

English Rhymes

I Will Teach You ABC

Come Little Children Come to me
I will teach you ABC; ABCD EFG
HIJK LMNOP; LKNOPQ RST
UVWXYZ; XYZ Sugar on your Bread

If you dont want it better go to bed
Next Day Morning Come to me
I will Teach you ABC

Ding, Dong, Bell

Ding, dong, bell,
Pussy's in the well.

Who put her in?
Little Johnny Thin.

Who pulled her out?
Little Tommy Stout.

What a naughty boy was that,
To try to drown poor pussy cat,

Who never did him any harm,
And killed the mice in his father's barn.

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey, goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who would not say his prayers;
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
Hickory, dickory, dock.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Could not put Humpty Dumpty together again!

Hush-a-bye baby

Hush-a-bye, baby,
On the tree top!
When the wind blows,
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall.
Down will come baby,
Bough, cradle and all.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got
And home did trot
As fast as he could caper
Went to bed
And plastered his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

Jack, Be Nimble

Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.

Johnny, Johhny, Yes papa

Johnny, Johnny
Yes, papa.
Eating Suger?
No, papa.
Telling lies?
No, papa.
Open your mouth,
Ha! Ha! Ha!

I see the moon

I see the moon
And the moon sees me
God bless the moon
And God bless me.

Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's
in the corn.
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under a haycock, fast asleep.
Will you wake him? No, not I,
For if I do, he's sure to cry.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plumb,
And said, What a good boy am I.

Little Tommy Tucker

Little Tommy Tucker
Sings for his supper.
What shall he eat?
White bread and butter,
How shall he cut it
Without any knife?
How shall he marry
Without any wife?

Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a little lamb,
little lamb, little lamb;
Its fleece was white as snow,
white as snow, white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row.

Monday's child is fair of face

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Old King Cole

Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three.

Every fiddler,
He had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Twee tweedle dee, tweedle dee, went the fiddlers.
Oh, there's none so rare
As can compare
With old King Cole and his fiddlers three.

One, Two, Buckle my shoe

One, Two,
Buckle my shoe;
Three, Four,
Knock at the door;
Five, Six,
Pick up the sticks;
Seven, Eight,
Lay them straight;
Nine, Ten,
The good fat hen.

One, Two, Three, Four, Five

One, two, three, four, five,
Once I caught a fish alive;
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
Then I let it go again.
Why did you let it go?
Because it bit my finger so.
Which finger did it bite?
The little finger on the right.

Oranges and Lemons

Oranges and lemons,
Say the bells of St Clement's.

You owe me five farthings,
Say the bells of St Martin's.

When will you pay me?
Say the bells of Old Baily.

When I grow rich,
Say the bells of Shoreditch.

When will that be?
Say the bells of Stepney.

I'm sure I don't know,
Says the great bell of Bow.

Polly, Put The Kettle On

Polly, put the kettle on,
Polly, put the kettle on,
Polly, put the kettle on,
We'll all have tea.

Sukey, take it off again,
Sukey, take it off again,
Sukey, take it off again,
They've all gone away.

Blow the fire and make the toast,
Put the muffins on to roast,
Blow the fire and make the toast,
We'll all have tea.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Pussy cat, pussy cat,
Where have you been?

I have been to London
To look at the queen.

Pussy cat, pussy cat,
What did you there?

I frightened a little mouse
Under her chair.

Rain, rain, go away

Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day;
Little Johnny wants to play,
Rain, rain, go away.

Roses are red

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Suger is sweet,
And so are you.

Sing a song of sixpence

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
They all began to sing.
Now, wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before the King?

The King was in his countinghouse,
Counting out his money;
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes.
Along there came a big black bird
And snipped off her nose!

Ten green bottles

Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall,
Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall,
And if one green bottle should accidently fall,
There'll be nine
green bottles hanging on the wall

Ten little monkeys

Ten little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off
And broke his head
Mama called the Doctor
And the Doctor Said
No more monkeys
Jumping on the bed

There was a little man

There was a little man, he had a little gun,
And his bullets were made of lead, lead, lead;
He went to the brook, and shot a little duck,
Right through the middle of the head, head, head.
He carried it home to his old wife Joan,
And bade her a fire for to make, make, make
To roast the little duck he had shot in the brook,
And he'd go fetch her the drake, drake, drake.

Three blind mice

Three blind mice, three blind mice.
See how they run! See how they run!
They all ran after a farmer's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
As three blind mice?
Twinkle twinkle little star
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.
Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
'Till the sun is in the sky.
As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark, -
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

English Story

THE Major Graf1 von Farlsberg, the Prussian commandant, was reading his newspaper, lying back in a great armchair, with his booted feet on the beautiful marble fireplace, where his spurs had made two holes, which grew deeper every day, during the three months that he had been in the château of Urville. [1] Count.
A cup of coffee was smoking on a small inlaid table, which was stained with liquors burnt by cigars, notched by the penknife of the victorious officer, who occasionally would stop while sharpening a pencil, to jot down figures, or to make a drawing on it, just as it took his fancy.

DIFFICULTYCOMES

Akbarwasjovialbynature.Onedayhesaidtothemerchantsofthetown,“Fromtodayonwards

youwillserveasguards”.

Emperor’sstatementscaredthemerchantsandtheywenttoBirbalwiththeirproblem.

Birbalboostedtheirmoralbysaying,“Youallgoaroundthetownwithturbansonyourfeet

andpyjamastiedontheheadcallingoutloudly,Nowdifficultshascomeonus!Thatshoulddothetrick.”

Emperorwasoutinthetownindisguise.Lookingattheplightofthemerchants

Emperorlaughedandsaid,“Whatisallthis?”

Onemerchantsaid,“YourHighness,frombirthwehavebeentrainedintheprofessionofselling.

Howcanwebeguards?Howcanpyjamasserveasturbansandturbansasshoes?”

EmperorAkbarunderstandthetrickplayedbyBirbal.

BIRBALANDTANSEN

TherearoseanargumentbetweenBirbalandTansen.Bothwerefirmontheirstand.Whenthey

couldnotreachanyagreementtheywenttotheEmperor.EmperorAkbarwasfoundofbothofthem.

Hedidnotwishtotodispleaseany.Soheadvisedthemtoseeksomebodyelse’sinterventionindeciding

thecase.

“YourHighness,nowthatyouwantustogotosomeotherperson,wouldyoubegood

enoughtostatethenameoftheperson?”askedBirbal.

“BothofyoumeetMaharanaPratap.Iamsurehewilldefinitelyhelpyouinthismatter”,replied

EmperorAkbar.

OntheadviceofEmperorAkbartheymetMaharanaPratapandpresentedtheircase.Maharana

Pratapwasponderedovertheissue.InthemeantimeTansenbegantosingamelodioustune.

MaharanaPratapgotinvolvedinmusic.WhenBirbalsawthatTansenwasenticingMaharanaPratap

withhismusic,hesaid,“Maharanaji,nowIamgoingtonarrateatruestorytoyou.Whenwewereonour

waytoyourpalaceIprayedatPushkarjithatifthecaseisdecidedinmyfavourIshalldonate

hundredcows.However,MiyanTansenprayedthatifheisprovedcorrecthewill

sacrificehundredcows.Maharanaji,nowthelifeofhundredcowsareinyourhands.”

Birbal’stalkalertedhim.HowcouldaHinduKingeventhinkofsacrificingcows?HeimmediatelydecidedinfavourofBirbal.

WhenEmperorAkbarheardabouttheincidenthelaughed.

WHOWILLWIN

EmperorAkbarwasmakingpreparationstogoforawar.Soldierswerefullyprepared.

Emperoralsomountedhishorseandwasready,BirbalwaswiththeEmperor.Emperor

directedthesoldierstomovetowardsthebattleground.

Emperorwasleadingthevastarmy.Ontheway,outofcuriosityEmperoraskedBirbal,“Canyou

tellwhowillwinthebattle?”

“YourHighness,IshallreplytothisquestiononceIreachthebattlefield,”repliedBirbal.

Aftersometimethearmyreachedthebattlefield.OnreachingthereBirbalsaid,“YourHighness,

Inowansweryourquestion,theansweristhatyouwillwinthebattle”.

“Howcanyoupredictthatatthisstagewhentheenemy’sarmyisalsohuge,”statedEmperordoubtfully.

“YourHighness,theenemyismountedonelephants.Theelephantpickupmudbythetrun

kandthrowsitonitself.Itisonlyslaveofitsownmoodsandcanturnagainstitsmasterifinfoulmood.

Weallaremountedonhorses.Ahorsewillneverbetrayitsmaster,”saidBirbal.

InthatbattleAkbarwon.

HENPECKEDHUSBAND

EmperorAkbarandBirbalweretalkingtoeachother.Thetopicofdiscussionwastherelationship

betweenhusbandandwife.Birbalcommented,“Mostofthemalesarehenpeckedhusbands.They

arescaredoftheirwives.”

“Idisagree,”saidEmperor.

“YourHighness,Icanproveit,”saidBirbal.

“Proveit”.

”Alright.Issueanofficialstatementthatanyonefoundorprovedtobescaredofhiswifewill

havetogiveacocktoBirbal.”

Emperorissuedtheorder.

WithinafewdaysBirbalwasinpossessionofmanycocks.ThenBirbalsaid,“YourHighness,with

thesecocksIcanopenapoultryfarm.Canceltheorder”

EmperorrefusedtocomplytoBirbal’ssuggestion.Birbalreturnedirritated.Nextday,inthecourt

BirbalsaidtoAkbar,“YourHighness,Ihavecometoknowthroughareliabklesourcethatthe

daughteroftheneighbouringkingisverybeautiful.IfyouwishIcansendyourmarriageproposaltoher”.

“Whatareyousaying?Thinkbeforeyouspeak.Therearealreadytwooftheminthepalace.Iftheyheardaboutthisthey

willnotspareme,”saidtheEmperor.

“YourHighness,youalsogivemetwococks,”saidBirbal.Birbal’sstatementembarrassedtheKing.

Hecancelledhisorder.

STAYWITHINYOURLIMITS

CourtiersoftenaccusedEmperorAkbarofcomplimentingBirbalforintelligenceandnotother

membersofthecourt.

Oneday,EmperorAkbarcalledhiscourtierstothecourtandpresentedtwoarmlengthwide

andonearmlengthlongsheet.Thenhesaid,“Ifyouareabletocovermefromheadtotoebythis

sheetIwilldeclareyouasintelligentasBirbal.”

AllthecourtierstriedbutcouldnotfullycovertheEmperorwiththesheet.Iftheycoveredthehead,

thefeetwerevisible.Iftheycoveredthefeet,headcouldbeseen.Theyreadjustedthesheetinlength,

breadthanddiagonalwaysbutwerenotsuccessful.

EmperorcalledBirbalandgavehimthesamesheettocoverhim.

Emperorlaidhimself.Birbalaskedhimtofoldhislegs.Emperordidashewastold.Birbalcovered

himfromheadtofootbythesheet.OthercourtierswerewatchingBirbalsheepishly.ThenBirbalsaid,

“Spreadyourfeetaccordingtothesizeofthesheet.

ATHINGOFCHOICE

EmperorAkbarwasunhappywithhiswifeforsomereason.HeaskedtheQueentogooherparent’s

house.QueenthoughtthattheEmperorwasjusttemporarilyangryandshedecidednottogotoher

parent’shouse.WhenEmperorfoundtheQueenstillinthepalaceheretortedangrily,“youarestillhere!Leavebytomorrowmorningotherwisebepreparedfortheconsequences.Ifyoudesireyou

cantakethethingwhichyoulikethemost”.

Thequeensobbedandwentawaytothewomensectionofthepalace.ShecalledforBirbal.Birbal

arrivedinthepresenceoftheQueen.QueennarratedthedispleasureoftheEmperorandrepeated

theordergivenbyhim.Birbalsuggested,“RespectedQueen,ifKinghasgivenordersyouwillhave

tocomply.Asregardsthethingwhichyoulikethemostfollowmyadvice.TheKing’sdispleasurewill

betakencareof”

AspertheadvicegivenbyBirbal,theQueengavetheEmperorsleepingtabletsandcarriedhimin

sleepingstatealongwithhereinherpalki.Onreachingherparent’shouseshesettledtheEmperorina

welldecoratedbedroom.

WhentheEmperorwokeuphefoundsurroundingsfoundhimselfinstrange.Itastonishedhim.He

calledout, “Isanyonethere?”

TheQueenpresentedherself.SeeingtheQueenthereheunderstoodhewasinhisin-law’shouse.Heaskedwithanger,“Youhavebroughtmehere?Thatisablunder..”

“DearEmperor!YouallowedmetotakewithmewhatIlikedthemost.Remember?AndyouarewhatIlikemost”.

HearingherwordsEmperor’sangerevaporated.Hesmiledandsaid,“IamsureBirbalsuggested

thistoyou.”

GowiththeFlow

EmperorAkbarandBirbalhadgoneforhunting.Somesoldiersandservantswerewiththem.While

returningtheywerepassingbyavillage.Emperorwaseagertoknowaboutthevillage.Heexpressed

hisdesiretoBirbal.Birbalreplied,“yourHighness,Iknownothingaboutthisvillage.HoweverI

cantalktosomepersonofthevillageandfinoutaboutit”.

Birbalcalledouttoamanandasked,“Ihopeeverthingisalrightinthisvillage?”.

ThatmanrecognizedtheEmperorandsaid,“yourhighness,howcanyouradministrationbelax?”.

“Whatisyourname?”askedEmperor.

“Ganga.”

Whatisyourfather’sName?”

“Jammunaandmymother’snameisSaraswati.”

“Whatisthenameofthisvillage?”

“Yourhighness,Narmada.”

OnhearingthisBirbalclickedhisfingersandsaid“YourHighness,stepaside.Moveforwardonlyif

youareinaboatotherwiseinthisvillageofriversthereisdangerofourdrowning.”

Emperorcouldnothelplaughing.

ABILITYOFBIRBAL

ThereweremanypeoplewhowerejealousofBirbal.EmperorAkbar’sbrother-in-lawoftentriedtooutwitBirbalbutlost.However,hewouldnotgiveup.BeingthebrotheroftheQueen,

theKingwasunderpressurefromheresideaswell.

Once,thebrother-in-lawassertinghimselftobeintelligentenoughdemandedthepostofDiwan.Birbalwasnotpresentinthe

court.EmperorAkbarsaidtohisbrother-in-law,“Inthemorning,fromthebackyardofthepalace,Iheardthewwhimperingofpups.Perhapsthe

bitchhasdeliveredpups.Goandseeifitistrueornot.”

Brother-in-lawwentawayandonreturnsaid,“yourHighness,youarecorrect,thebitchhasdeliveredpups.”

“Ok!Howmanypups?”askedtheEmperor.

“YourHighness,Ididnotcount.”

“GoandCount”

Brother-in-lawwentandonreturnsaid,“yourHighness-fivepups.”

“Howmanymalesandhowmanyfemales?”Emperorinquiredfurther.

“Ididnotbothertofindthat”

“Goandfindout”

OnceagainBrother-in-lawwentandrepliedonreturn,“threeMales,twofemales.”

“Whatisthecolorofmalepups?”

“YourHighness,they….Iwillgoandcheck.”

“Forgetitsitdown,”Emperorsaid.

Brother-in-lawsatdown.AlittlelaterBirbalarrivedinthecourt.Emperorsaid,“BirbaltodaymorningIheard

thesoundsofpupscomingfromthebackyardofthepalace.Ithinkthebitchhasdeliveredpups.Goand

findoutaboutit.”

“Yes,YourHighness”

Birballeftandreturnafterawhile,“YourHighness,youarecorrect..bitchhasdeliveredpups.”

“Howmanypups?”

“YourHighness-fivepups.”

“Howmanymale..andhowmanyfemale.”

“WhatisthecoloroftheMales?”

“Twoblackandonebrown.”

“Alright,sitdown.”

EmperorAkbarlookedathisbrother-in-law.Hewassittingquietlywithbowedhead.

Emperorinquired,“whatyouhavetosaynow?”

Hewasspeechless.

Joke of the day

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Comedy Story

Night after night, David Letterman does eight monologue jokes. No more, no less. And every night, I watch and wait for something familiar. One night, he surprises me by doing a ninth joke - and, yes, it's one I wrote. I say the lines right along with him:
"The Hong Kong flu, it's killing people, and as a result, the government has to slaughter over a million chickens. Ooh! What are you going to do with a million dead chickens? Did somebody say McDonald's?"
Some guys sell shirts, some guys sell backhoes. As it happens, I sell jokes. Each day, I craft witticisms concerning current events and peddle them to the TV-comedy crowd: David Letterman, Dennis Miller, Jay Leno, Bill Maher, Colin Quinn, Rosie O'Donnell.